Dr Pamela Parker, Consultant Clinical Psychologist
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Understanding Intimate Partner Violence
When people hear the term domestic abuse they often think first of physical violence. Whilst physical and sexual violence are features of many abusive relationships, they are often only part of the picture.
Many survivors describe the most enduring effects of abuse as arising from coercive control; patterns of behaviour intended to dominate, intimidate, isolate, monitor, manipulate, or restrict another person’s freedom and autonomy. Coercive control can involve emotional abuse, threats, humiliation, surveillance, financial control, gaslighting, restriction of social contact, and the gradual erosion of a person’s confidence in their own judgement and identity.
This is a widespread issue. The World Health Organization estimates that approximately one in three women globally will experience physical and/or sexual violence during their lifetime and that around a quarter of women who have ever been in an intimate relationship have experienced physical and/or sexual violence by a current or former partner. [who.int], [who.int]
Behind these figures are real people whose lives have been shaped by fear, uncertainty, loss, and often immense courage. For many survivors, abuse affects not only their sense of safety, but also their relationship with themselves, their hopes for the future, and their ability to trust others.
Looking Beyond the Individual
The impact of intimate partner violence rarely exists in isolation. Abuse affects relationships, families, workplaces, and communities, often in ways that may not be immediately visible.
However, it is important to be clear that responsibility for these impacts rests with the person using power, abuse, and control, not with those who have been subjected to it.
Many survivors carry profound feelings of guilt, particularly when children are involved. In my clinical work, I regularly meet parents who have spent years doing everything they can to protect their children whilst managing fear, intimidation, financial constraints, social isolation, or threats from an abusive partner. These are often people who have shown extraordinary strength and resilience in incredibly difficult circumstances.
Recovery is possible. Research and clinical experience demonstrate that adults, children, and families can recover from the effects of abuse when they are given appropriate support, safety, understanding, and opportunities to rebuild trusting relationships.
Why Coercive Control Can Be So Damaging
Coercive control often affects much more than a person’s immediate sense of safety.
Over time, survivors may begin to question their own perceptions and judgements. People frequently describe feeling disconnected from themselves, struggling to make decisions, doubting their memories, feeling responsible for the behaviour of others, or finding it difficult to trust their instincts. Many carry significant shame, even though the abuse was never their fault.
These responses are not signs of weakness. They are understandable adaptations to prolonged experiences of threat, uncertainty, and control.
From a psychological perspective, many of these difficulties can be understood as attempts by the mind and body to survive under extremely challenging circumstances. Recognising this can be an important first step towards recovery.
What Does the Research Say About EMDR?
Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) is an evidence-based therapy originally developed for trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Research over the past decade suggests that EMDR can be effective for survivors of intimate partner violence, including those who have experienced physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and coercive control. Studies have reported significant improvements in post-traumatic stress symptoms, anxiety, depression, emotional regulation, self-confidence, and everyday functioning following EMDR intervention. [emdria.org], [spj.science.org], [emdria.org]
A recent systematic review and meta-analysis examining EMDR for IPV survivors found significant reductions in symptoms of PTSD, anxiety, and depression across the available evidence base. [emdria.org]
At its core, EMDR helps people process traumatic experiences so that painful memories become less overwhelming and no longer have the same emotional intensity or influence over daily life.
Why Compassion Matters in Recovery
Although processing traumatic memories is often an important part of healing, many survivors find that trauma symptoms are only one aspect of recovery.
Years of criticism, blame, intimidation, humiliation, and coercive control can leave people carrying intense shame and self-criticism. Even after an abusive relationship has ended, these internal struggles may continue.
Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) offers a helpful framework for understanding these experiences. Rather than asking, “What’s wrong with me?”, compassion-focused approaches encourage people to ask, “What happened to me, and how has that affected me?”
Emerging literature and clinical experience suggests that EMDR and CFT may work particularly well together. EMDR can help process traumatic memories and reduce trauma-related symptoms, whilst CFT can support the development of self-compassion, emotional safety, resilience, and a kinder relationship with oneself. [jpbs.thebrpi.org]
For many survivors, learning to relate to themselves with understanding rather than self-criticism becomes a profoundly important part of recovery.
Safety Comes First
Psychological therapy can be incredibly valuable, but it is not always the most appropriate first step.
When someone is living with ongoing abuse, facing immediate safety concerns, experiencing housing insecurity, dealing with legal proceedings, or struggling to meet basic practical needs, establishing safety is more important than beginning psychological therapy.
This is not because someone is “not ready” for therapy. Rather, it reflects a recognition of the level of risk domestic abuse can pose to individuals and the importance of always considering safety as the first priority in planning recovery.
Often the most helpful intervention initially involves:
- Accessing specialist domestic abuse support services.
- Developing practical safety plans.
- Strengthening support networks.
- Receiving advocacy or legal advice.
- Addressing housing or financial concerns.
- Building coping strategies and emotional stabilisation.
In my own practice, I pay careful attention to these issues. Therapy should always be tailored to the individual’s circumstances and paced appropriately. The first stage of recovery is not processing trauma but helping people establish enough psychological safety and support to begin that journey.
How I Can Help
As a Consultant Clinical Psychologist, I have over a decade of experience working with individual survivors of intimate partner violence and with families affected by abuse, trauma, and adversity.
In private practice, I work with individuals who have established practical safety in day-to-day life and need support to address the impact of abuse and harm on their mental health. I specialise in supporting people recovering from the psychological effects of physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and coercive control. My work integrates evidence-based approaches including Eye Movement De-sensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT).
Many people I have worked with tell me that one of the most difficult aspects of seeking help is trusting another person. After years of secrecy, fear, manipulation, intimidation, or having their experiences dismissed, approaching therapy can feel daunting.
I see this not as a barrier, but as a completely understandable consequence of what people have been through.
Building trust, transparency, and emotional safety is therefore central to my approach. Clients frequently tell me that it helps to work with someone who understands the realities of intimate partner violence and who is not shocked or overwhelmed by the experiences they describe. Many survivors have struggled for years to find words for what they have been through. My role is to help people make sense of those experiences, reconnect with their strengths and values, and gradually reclaim their sense of identity, wellbeing, and direction in life.
Sources of Support
If you are currently experiencing abuse, coercive control, or concerns about your safety, practical support may be available through the following organisations:
National Health Service
National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge)
24-hour confidential support service for women experiencing domestic abuse.
Women’s Aid
Information, practical support, and a directory of local services.
Men’s Advice Line
Support and advice for men experiencing domestic abuse.
Galop
Specialist support for LGBT+ people experiencing abuse.
Victim Support
Practical and emotional support for victims of crime, including domestic abuse.
Emergency Support
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999.
A Final Thought
Recovery from intimate partner violence is about much more than reducing symptoms.
It is about reconnecting with who you are beneath the effects of fear, control, shame, and survival. It is about rebuilding safety, reclaiming identity, strengthening relationships, and rediscovering hope.
Whilst the effects of abuse can be profound, they do not have to define the rest of a person’s life.
With the right support, recovery is possible.
I feel privileged to walk alongside people on that journey and to witness the resilience, courage, and growth that can emerge as survivors reconnect with themselves, their values, and the lives they want to build.
References
Appavoo, L. (2024). Using Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) to Support Persons Experiencing Intimate Partner Violence. [jpbs.thebrpi.org]
Badenes-Sastre, M., & Spencer, C. M. (2026). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing for intimate partner violence survivors: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma. [emdria.org]
de Jongh, A., de Roos, C., & El-Leithy, S. (2024). State of the science: Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 37(2), 205-216. [pubmed.ncb…lm.nih.gov]
Schwarz, J. E., Baber, D., Giantisco, E., & Isaacson, B. (2021). EMDR for Survivors of Sexual and Intimate Partner Violence at a Nonprofit Counseling Agency. Journal of EMDR Practice and Research, 15(4), 202-217. [spj.science.org], [emdria.org]
World Health Organization. (2026). Violence against women: Fact sheet. [who.int], [who.int]